The retarded homing pigeon

OK, so I will explain what happened on my first official trail ride with a paying customer. This woman, W, is holidaying next door at her friend's holiday house and came by to look at the horses one day. She asked for me at the door, which was weird because we'd never met but I talked to her anyway. H wondered why I was being so nice when they were horrible, loud neighbours - the next day she asked to be taken on a trail and I earnt some money for H's business. That's why I'm nice to people like that.

Turns out she's actually a nice lady and was really excited about riding a horse for pretty much the first time in her life. She was on Bobby, reliable little tucker who was bought off a man that used him for his cart all his life so he's not too goey.

Things started out well, I was planning on doing a loop around from one end of the forest, behind the house and back out the other end - didn't quite work out that way. The two-hour mark came and went, and I was getting more and more hopelessly lost. I tried to cover it up but when I thought it seemed ridiculously stupid to pretend it wasn't more than two hours, I admitted we had missed the turn-off (what turn-off? I didn't know where I began, turned left or turned right dammit). The girls had stayed at home because the rest of the horses were turned out to the paddock already. They'd joked I would be lost.

When I was about to cry from frustration, I powered on to the end of a track which led out of the forest. The lady was nice enough to say she was still enjoying herself, while the horses were going mental from all the flies and mozzies around them. I don't blame them! So I looked over and saw a village, said we would head there to ask someone directions and get home as soon as we could.

As we neared the village, I was starting to recognise things but not letting myself believe I'd actually somehow made it back to my own village. Turns out I had. Like a retarded homing pigeon, I'd gotten myself hopelessly lost then somehow squawked my way back to square one. Fantastic. I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut the whole time and pretended I was nice enuf to give her a ride twice as long as she'd paid.

Oh well. I'm pretty sure I scared her off riding for the next few years. Perhaps forever. We all have our purpose in life. Maybe that's mine.

PS. I dreamt last night that I was going to marry Lady GaGa in a threesome situation with another man (and no, GaGa wasn't the man). Then the man ran off and I was left to be in a terrific lesbian love affair with her. As I woke, she was just deciding she was over being a lesbian. A bitch, even in my dreams.