Just WALK, you lazy SOBs!

One of the first sounds to wake me was the excited little voice of a 5-year-old. The boss' daughter, who oftens talks to me through the screen of my window, gingerly calls for me... I decide to pretend to sleep. She tries again. OK. Fine. She's about to go on vacation most likely for the first time ever, and she wants to talk to me. Maybe it really is something important. Hmph! "You know we're going on vacation today?" Yes, darling, I knew that, thanks for reminding me. Can I go back to sleep now?

So they are off for almost 2 weeks, a trying time for the office manager who has been left to control the farm. We all know what we're doing but she has to make sure it's done right. She does have a little tendency to get stressed, so I made a point of talking with her today when I went in to use the internet on my day off. I told her she could rely on me to be her right hand if she needed it and to help manage the stable - I don't want her to feel like she's on her own.

Since the Rhino thing hasn't really worked out yet (the discounted price they want is still $60!!), I decided to try Orient Bay today. I called I to come with me, as he's French side-bound, and went on my way.

On the bus, I drifted off into a dream world, casually noting the signs I am indeed living on a tiny island - the driver noting down a passenger's number (while driving) to make a sign for him for a good price, the man throwing some keys out the back window to someone he knew, a woman talking loudly on the phone next to me... All in different languages. It is an interesting place.

Also noted a sign for "paterny DNA tests" down one street... never seen that before, and it kinda indicates the kind of society we're living in here. It's the same as the troubles the boss' wife has in her child psychology, all these kids displaced by estranged families, never knowing their father or indeed knowing him but he's an asshole... and they question why I'm childless. Yes, guys, I THINK having children.

Finally got to Orient Bay, and I say finally because the bus driver forgot to stop for me so I had to ride til he turned around and got dropped off on the way back.... was still a good 10 min walk to the beach, and even then I was confused because I thought it was Orient Beach but then there were all these different beach names. Turns out Orient Bay is divided into several beaches, all part of the bay.

Also there are restaurants, all pricey and mostly it seemed for me unmanned, even though I came at lunchtime. After walking around aimlessly for a bit, I became hungry and irritable, and finally sat down in a restaurant where the waitress never came to me. So I left. I was the only person in the restaurant, I said hi to her as I walked in and asked if I could sit outside. Yet she never came. Tut tut.

Another observation is that Orient Bay is full of seaweed/rubbish, private beach bars and fat tourists. As a result, I had to pick my way through the chairs and umbrellas to a small section of seaweed-strewn beach to get a piece of "free" land at the far end of the beach. There being no black guys around with prying eyes, I took my top off and finally got a chance to un-white certain parts of my body. Of course, at one point I looked up to meet the eyes of a random rasta (the only one I saw that day) who gave me the big thumbs up as he walked past. I no longer know how to deal with that kind of thing, just looked down and away.

So my first Orient Bay experience wasn't all that amazing. Maybe it was the recent shitty weather that brought all the seaweed there - surely it is normally beautiful or it wouldn't be such a popular beach. And I couldn't help looking at how fat everyone was.

I walked back up the hill to the spot the buses come - I was the only one. People kept asking if I wanted a taxi, pretty much assumed it as I walked off the sand. I was the only one walking up the hill, and the "hill" was so easy. I look at these people and think, dear god, EXERCISE. Just get out and WALK. When you're in the bus, you have people sometimes asking to stop 20m apart from each other. Make it easier for the cab driver and just fucking WALK. Maybe then some of you wouldn't take up 3 seats in the fucking bus.

And this is me feeling thin. Seriously, I spent my life feeling like the fat one and now I'm feeling like the fit one. And people like me for it. It's gonna tip my world upside down again when I go back to Australia. Oh well, at least now I think I'm half worthy for my boy. God knows the size of the girls he usually goes for.

Then it was a race against the traffic to make it back to Kim Sha beach for kayaking. I made it no dramas, and had a good hour lesson. Well, there were some beginners so I didn't get so much teaching but I used the time to try and perfect my stroke. Managed to fall out 3x, since he gave me a bit of a harder boat this time. I remember thinking, "Wow, I've still not fallen out!" then BAM! Afterwards, I asked how much I owed him after "coming 3 times" as in having 3 lessons. Not so muffled laughter there. Embarro. Haha!

On the way home, I stopped in Buccaneers to ask a question about some merchandise they have, and ended up having a couple of beers and meeting some UK folk that had relocated out here. One kinda self-absorbed older man who ran a docking yard and a sweet younger guy from Scotland who seemed to be getting a bit gipped by his current employees. I'd made friends with the rasta barman by now so it was a bit of fun.

That's one thing about self-absorbed people. You can choose to either zone out or listen. They talk and talk, and never really listen to what you say, just wait until you're finished so they start a new story. I like to still listen to them so I can learn more about things, and you know, you might come away with some valuable knowledge. But sometimes I drift a little.

I know it's horrible to say, but I often have a few different categories I subconsciously fit people into when I meet them. Before, when I saw single, I'd think, they are either a) fuckable, b) nice to talk to for conversation but nothing more, c) good for contacts or d) an absolute fuckwit with nothing to offer me. Sometimes they fit into more than one. It was often the hardest when I had a dickhead that I also knew was valuable for something. Althought blatantly using those kinds of people was definitely easier. Actually, they're really the only ones I'd blatantly use. Now I'm not single, well, everything is just topsy-turvy! haha

Thankful cruise shippers - well I never!

I swear to god my mosquito net has a vendetta against me. I woke up at god knows what hour, the roosters crowing (never an indication of time, one is always crowing) and I tossed n turned, feeling pinches n bites enuf that I couldn't get back to sleep. I think I had to put the sheet over me to drift off again. Which is not what mosquito nets are for - you shouldn't need the sheet at all!!

Anyway, I finally had to get up, and off to work I trundled for the last day before my boss and his family took off on their first family vacation in god knows how many years. Geez, god plays a big part in this blog so far right?

Didn't have a ride for a couple of hours and then it was a couple of cruise ship rides. Actually had a surprisingly thankful and awesome group the first time, even though I was just doing my thing, at the end I got a man saying, "This was my wife's first horseride and she really enjoyed it, thanks to your awesome guiding". Nice to hear. Actually had a couple of those comments - didn't realise so many people were first-timers!

Then it was later in the day, and I found myself with a pretty 20-year-old Greek girl riding in hot pants and a bikini top (rather large bikini top, if you get me). The first thought was, "Man, will the guys be jealous" while her Greek parents looked on with video and camera. I ran into I on the ride - he joked about swapping rides, I knew he was serious. Hahaha... all mine!! And what a waste, they thought.

I did 4 rides today, great tips on the first one then they dribbled here n there for the remainder of the day. Nothing spectacular, but I am still learning what an "average" day is, so never know whether to be pleased or disappointed. Guess I should just assume I get nothing then be always pleased. right? Wish it was that easy.

So, as of tomorrow, I'm in charge of the dogs. I have to feed and poo-break all 3 every morning and night, which is fine since I live under their house and have no problem with dogs. I hope the family enjoys their time off, though I have a feeling they'll be stressing the whole time. The parents at least, the kids won't give a shit as they're running riot in Disneyland!

Tried to organise to do the Rhino tomorrow, this half dinghy, half jetski tourist activity I thought we could get a good price on. When the boss called the booking agent they weren't that generous so I will keep trying, maybe in the coming days I can get a good price. Looks so much fun! I would wait til Erm is here but there is so much else to do! Now she's booked flights to St Thomas, we've got all that to do too!

Got an email from the couple I took for the ride the other night, telling me some info about the kayaking folk they knew, and also inviting me out on the town should I like to join them. I'll see what they're up to on Saturday night and maybe have something to do to sleep in for on Sunday! Finally, some normal people to socialise with!

Stayed at Seaside later to talk with the bosses and make sure everything was covered. Really, I was also having a few beers.... and that annoying man that works, lives or both around this area - the guy that I first met in a bad mood who kept looking at me and trying to make conversation - was still trying to talk with me. Because I was finished and surrounded by work people, I graced him with a few words but when he started talking about how good his cooking was... well, I just had to step in and let him know that no one's cooking was as good as my boyfriend's. Cheeky mutt, he tried to tell me once I'd tried his cooking I'd forget about my boyfriend. I told him that was disrespectful and turned my back on him.

Men. Sheesh.

I'm boring. I know I am. I continue to be in love with my boy. No matter what. So I guess I'll just fade into the monogamous background of life, and occasionally pop my head up to remind people I'm alive. But by golly, I love him.

Keep 'em private!

Woke up to insane itching on my ankle... what happened to my secluded mosquito net of heaven? Seems some demons have infiltrated it once again. I look for you but never find you, you cheeky monkeys.

Started the day with a private ride, 2 advanced riders who didn't particularly want to gallop everywhere, just didn't want a nose-to-tail slow ride. Fine with me! I really do enjoy taking out advanced riders, they are so much more relaxed and don't need so much looking over. Just want to enjoy some time on horseback and some nice runs up the hill.

Bookending my day of 4 rides was another lovely couple from Ireland (really, when do I not meet nice people from Ireland?!) on a two-hour ride that turned out to be the two-hour ride that cancelled on Sunday. I thanked them profusely for cancelling, did not want to ride in that rain!! They had a beer at the end of it all (6pm, so not much else was happening) and thankfully they were around still when I'd finished with the horses so I could say goodbye to them. And bless her, the woman was kinda nervous pulling the money out her pocket as she said bye and hurriedly tipped me.

Had a couple of cruise ship rides, tipping nominal amounts (did I mention how much more I like private rides??) and not really being any more interesting than the ones I'd done before. I'm amazed at how many people come here and have never been on a horse, even the beginner woman I had today that left her husband behind to do this activity which must be so daunting for the first time. Well, her husband was 260 pounds, 30 over our limit, so she really had no choice in the matter!

Speaking of weighty folk, I swear I took some over-weighters on one of my rides. 4 black Americans, all pretty hefty in size, I had trouble thinking which horses to take them. I felt sorry for every hardworking beast. Unsaddled all of them I possibly could afterwards, poor things. This woman got off to take her pants off for the water, and it took all the strength in the world to get her back on. Her thigh was the size of my waist, I swear. Next time I think I'm fat, someone please remind me of this story.

Still working out how much I earn, spend and save here. Trying to log it all this month, see indeed how expensive this island is, and it is proving quite interesting. The grocery store is much more expensive than I first thought, and buying just for me isn't as cheap as I thought. Of course the beer doesn't help - those nights I crave it and get a 6-pack. Of course, it's much cheaper than going out every night clubbing and drinking, but it's my only release over here so I let myself off.

I'm fast turning this experience into a time-wasting exercise where I wait for my boy to sort his life out and then return to him. I no longer see any point dilly-dallying around having this experience when my baby is waiting for me, and we're both crying without the other on the opposite end of the earth. We need to be together, we should be together and dammit if I'm not gonna see us together again!!

I logged onto FB today to get a really sweet message from him, possibly the most amazing one I've ever had, where he told me how much I meant to him and how awesome I was... all things I fully echo back to him, of course. But usually I'm the more vocal one. Not this time. And blessed be. Bring it on. I can't believe how much he has changed me, even people that know me well can't even recognise me sometimes! But this is love, true and true. And I am so glad to finally know it.

I also used my brief lunch break to write the heartbreaking email to the lady that keeps my horse, offering her for sale if she is interested. I would much prefer she go somewhere I know and trust than elsewhere, so I offered a lesser price than I would sell her for and hope that she bites. Not expecting an instant reply so I guess it's just a waiting game until I hear back...

I'm a drunk or she's just stupid

My day off started like every other day off... although I think I finally mastered the no-holes-in-mosquito-net situation, I found it hard to sleep in more than half an hour passed my normal wake-up, and excitement from my forthcoming chat with my boy did nothing to help. So off I trundled to Seaside to log on and wait. And wait. And wait. Hmmm.... internet troubles again?

Something in me was thinking not, so I waited more still. Thankfully, my good friend B was online and I had a nice chat with her. She has a good head on her shoulders and always levels me out when I'm a bit loopy. So some good perspective on my time here was gained through that conversation. Without giving too much away, she moved me on towards what I was already realising.

Luckily, it was a pretty shitty day for the beach so I had all the time on the world on my hands to wait. But when my computer battery started to blink at me, I gave up and headed home. En route, I heard my phone ring and probably flashed the nearby workers in my haste to get it before it stopped ringing. As it was, I missed it but it rang back straight away, and indeed it was who I was hoping for.

He told me he'd been delayed as he scored tickets to a Foo Fighters/Tenacious D gig, a good enuf excuse for me! Would've been an amazing show! He told me he practically ran home, almost asked Dave Grohl how much longer he was gonna play at one point haha... But eventually we connected, and before long I found myself sitting in Pineapple Pete's drinking beer after beer and eating lunch while the hours ticked into the early morning at his end.

It was a good chat. We both needed it. I was a bit bummed when he didn't come online at first, so it was a relief that we finally spoke. It is strange, this past weekend we REALLY missed each other... at the same time. It was the hardest time I've had away from him and indeed a turning point for me and my plans. While he's still in limbo about his visa, and I guess a lot of what I do depends on what happens with that.

After my beers, I was feeling content and all mushy from speaking so long with A, so after I wired some money back home I owed my sister, I jumped into a bus on the way to the airport to book my tickets to St Thomas for when Erm comes in less than a month. What happened next is either due to me being a bit tipsy (and well drunk on love) or the lady at the counter being a complete moron, but I managed to book and pay for tickets to St Thomas a full month before I was wanting to go. As in, I was due to leave in a few days!

I didn't realise the error til I was home, so annoyed I ran to the shop to get phone credit but as the airline's number didn't dial from my phone, I was forced to get back on a bus and go to the airport. Unfortunately, I got an annoying clicky-clicky sound from one of the guys hanging at a shitty bar and I bit - "I DON'T LIKE THAT FUCKING SOUND" I yelled as I stormed passed. God knows what he said, but I don't look forward to what he says the next time I pass. Probably will do the sound twice as loud. Am thinking I should have restrained myself.

The lady at the counter insisted I misled her and I was in no mood to do a he said, she said argument so I just shut up and let her change my ticket before she clocked off for the day. I think I had gotten there with 5 mins to spare. Thankfully, she didn't charge me anything extra other than the difference in fare, which I can pay later since I didn't have anything on me when I ran back to the airport. Well, that's a plus.

Was thinking about going back online tonight to talk more with A, but the rains have started again as predicted and I have no desire to walk in that with the lack of drainage this island has. And my laptop... and my nighttime walking rule! All bad bad bad. So no more chatsies. I just have the gentle rain and cool jazz sounds of my iTunes as company.

And the heavens opened

I didn't think working on a Sunday would be quite as painful as normal, as this time I'd been switched to work with J. But lordy lord, was I wrong. It was the most despicable weather I have seen in my 5 weeks living here. Rain, rain and more rain.

I knew it was coming, as I sat eating my granola (American way of saying honeyed muesli) and yoghurt, watching the clouds devour every inch of the sky. If I'd been smart, I would have taken the annoying sucking sounds of my old man neighbour skinning (and sucking) bamboo as a warning sign that this day would indeed suck.

The boss wasn't around, not entirely surprisingly since anyone with half a brain was indoors as they say "fucking or sleeping" (glad to know my options are plentiful), so we were given our daily tasks as normal and expected to carry them out. Which we did... in time.

We had one lot of customers come - a cruise ship ride for J and 4 locals for me. Well, by locals I mean people living here. I didn't expect a tip, nor did I receive one. Most probably because just 100m into the ride my young horse decided to throw a tantrum and complete bonkers-out. It sensed the herd of non-working horses nearby and of course at that time that decided to gallop away, and he got all excited, jumping around and rearing up.

This did nothing to instil confidence in the 2 women already very nervous on their first ride, and the man with his young cousin. In fact, the young boy liked the excitement but I could tell the man was a little more dubious. Either way, no one came off, the one horse that bolted slowed and turned back quickly, and we were on our way again. I thought for one moment I would have had to dismount and change horses, but I pushed him on and he calmed down.

At that stage in the day, the weather wasn't yet raining horribly, just sprinkling, but it was windy. And the clouds were out, making views of the nearby islands impossible. It's always hard, too, when you have people that live on the island, to tell them things they probably already know. Our rides are really tailored to tourists, so when you have locals you really just have to have nice conversation.

And then I had the task of putting them in the right order - the young boy first, but then the scared girls in the middle and the older cousin at the back that probably wanted to be close to the young boy. Much more than meets the eye with being a horse guide. Most people probably don't even realise what goes through our heads!

As the rain fell around midday, J and I looked at the now murky water and thought it a perfect time to swim. Well, he was a bit uncertain... but I was keen, pulling off my t-shirt... and then he was keen haha.... amazingly, my white sports bra was thick enuf it wasn't see-through in the water. Was fun, though, going crazy in the rain. Afterwards, pretty much assigned myself lunch, as there was not much I could do without catching fever.

Had some people book a one-hour ride, then cancel, then another couple booking a two-hour ride (why????) then not show up... so I was on alert for the afternoon, praying they wouldn't turn up. Seriously... who books a ride on a day like today?? Ridiculous.

So obviously I made no tips today - the first time for me. No surprising, but still a bit of a bummer. This week I made a killing, though, so all good. Got a sympathy tip from J, who got a decent amount from his cruise ship ride - unusual - so maybe my freaky horse cost me some extra moolah. Oh well, off to the glue factory for you, m'dear.

At the end of the day - oh, how I longed for the end - the boss was there and congratulated us on getting everything done in the shitty weather. No problem. At all. Brrrrr. I rejected a lift from R and stayed around talking about the crazy hurricane weather of the island, how it'd changed in the last few decades and "Old Years" (what they call New Years Eve)... was quite interesting except that I was slowing starting to freeze still in my wet t-shirt. Seriously the first time I've properly been cold on the island. Was actually visualising sitting in front of a fire.

Came home and made myself entirely too much stir fry - in fact, I ate it all, as I always do. What was I saying about losing weight on this island?? Well, not much else to concentrate on really, is there? Can't shelter under trees like I did today thinking all kinds of sad things about not being with my love, now can I? Time to get crackin', let's get some of this weight off. Just the same, it's also easy to eat my way through the depression. Now where was that packet of M&Ms???

A downer day

I don't even know how to start writing this day's blog, not because I can't find the words to describe an amazing event - moreso, it was more of the same for a cruise ship day.

I had several rides, the first of which was a family of English people who didn't tip. Great work, pommies, know I can always rely on you! Wonder if they realise I sometimes get more than my whole day's salary in a tip... Anyway, managed to get a lunch break today and found out the update on my boy's situation back home. He's in a bit of a funny headspace. don't blame him... but a couple of comments upset me a little (I think he was hungover or drunk at the time of writing so not all with it), and I worry he's doubting the strength of our relationship. I admit, I have those moments too, but I have 100% faith we will reunite and it will be great. We are meant to be together, I fully believe it.

One ride was fun, as they were all Puerto Rican and I was able to practise my bad Spanish with them. One lady even gave me her phone number to call her if I ever made it to Puerto Rico for somewhere to stay! What a sweetheart. At the moment, Puerto Rico does seem the cheapest route homeward, so it may well happen...

Altogether, I had 4 rides today. None were spectacularly different from the last, in fact I don't even know if I indeed had 5 rides. They all meld into one after a while. Today was the first day I started thinking... I wonder how long it'll be til I really start detesting coming to work. The busy season is only just beginning and there are already moments I wanna curse n yell.

Baby rabbits got born today but when I went to see them, the darn turtled was in their warren so they were all blocked from view. We tried to pull him off but he was wedged in good - worried he was suffocating them, but apparently it's all good. That way they grow fur quicker anyway. Still haven't seen the bloody new calf yet, and it's been 3 days!

I am tired now. And normally I would have tomorrow, Sunday, off but I got swapped the other day and now I have to work with J when the cruise ships are in. But apparently we have just one lot booked in, so maybe it will be dead after all. And dead Sundays can be DEAD. At least I'm not with D this time. Not that he's been too bad to work with, but when it's just him and I, he just talks and talks and talks, in the most annoying way possible. It's best when I have a buffer, someone else he can direct his inane thoughts towards.

I am going to admit now, I have been pretty depressed today and the drinking of beers while alone at night with just my thoughts is not helping one bit at all. But self-destructive happens to be one of my specialities. So I sit here, alone, thinking about the long-distance relationship I am trying to have with the love of my life. We both have our moments of doubt, this is clear, but I am so SO certain that he is the one, he is the person I was meant to meet and meant to share my life with.

Now I'm sorry if said person reads this and freaks out a little. I'm sorry. But these are all new feelings for me, and it's a roller coaster I never really expected to have to ride. So many thoughts are going through my head - and his, surely. I don't know if I can ride this out as long as I thought. Although, stubbornly, my self is telling.... myself.... that I should. While he, on the other side of the world, thinks exactly the same thing.

It's like we have this pigheaded road block stopping either of us from making the call and doing the grand, romantic gesture of following the other to the ends of the earth, quite literally. Or is it? I have my reasons, I guess he has his... Australia doesn't make the visa situation easy for our UK friends and I find it hard to part with this unique opportunity. But should I still be crying 6 weeks later??

I need to speak with him. Or I need to be patient. Either way, I'm not in the best way right now. My thoughts are all over the place. I never thought I'd say this but... I want my baby.

From Romania to St Maarten

A cool day today, my favourite with a good stream of rides through the day and hardly any yard work. And a lunch break. I'm working out that I will enjoy the non-cruise ship days in high season, when you get people going for private rides and sunset rides rather than spending ridiculous amounts on a boring, simple ride with helmets and floaties.

Working solo with my least favourite guide D wasn't as bad as I'd thought. He was actually much better to deal with - I'm starting to realise that's because he had no one to act like an ass to in front of me, and he's a bit scared of girls so he just acts nice to their face and probably bags them behind their back. Which is fine, so long as he's nice to my face and the people he talks to from work know he is talking bullshit. Which they do.

Had 4 rides in total - first, a Romanian-born Canadian-living family who were mighty impressed I'd lived in Romania for a short while; then a couple of Americans (mother and daughter) going riding for the daughter's birthday; a huge 9 people that ended up being 8 when the dad got scared; and finally a sunset ride for a lovely young couple living here studying and working. Had trouble again with the fire, not because of rain this time but the bloody wind!! They told me about another kayaking company that offered rides on different days so maybe they'll send me the details and I fit it into my schedule better.

So some interesting developments on the other side of the globe - my boy has upped and left the farm he was staying at. Maybe things got so bad he couldn't take it, maybe he ACTUALLY listened to my advice, maybe he came to his senses... Either way, it's awesome news for me as it means he's not in a negative rut anymore and can explore other options.

Main problem is that the lady from the farm didn't sign him off for the 3 months like she promised, just the work he'd done - bloody Englishman, he probably didn't push her for it just smiled and nodded politely. Not like he didn't do the work of 3 months anyway in the time he was there!! Honestly, what kind of Help X place has their people working 7 days a week?!

So now he's back in the big city, off to have a mega party with his mates for Movember this weekend. Good for him, I know he's been aching for it. I bet he'll have a new Help X place by the end of the weekend (maybe Monday considering how wrecked he'll be on Saturday!). But at least he's got friends to stay with now, and they have laptops, and laptops can let people change their relationship status.... I KNOW it's gay but I also know it took him a while to want to admit it to cyberspace he was with me and me only. So it's cool that that was the first thing he did online when he got to a laptop.

Of course now it's got me thinking, what if he didn't get his visa? What if he just chucked it all in, gave up? Where then would he go....??? Nah, I doubt that would happen. Would be nice, having him come here, maybe we could do a crazy island elope thing and go back to Australia married hahahaha... now THAT'S crazy talk!!