The heartache of working with animals

If anyone has ever looked into the eyes of a dying animal and not felt anything, they truly are a monster. I get profoundly affected by animals in distress, because we can't fully communicate with them and can only try to help when most often than not we are completely out of control of the situation.

This is how I felt today. One of the stable's best horses, Ritchie, had been sick with suspected colic the day before and was thought to be on the mend. In the majority of colic cases here, we inject the horse with something to make their body jerk back into normal rhythm, but it seems there was a little more to it this time. Colic, for those who don't know, is a potentially fatal condition that can occur from a multitude of factors but basically causes, if untreated, the twisting of the gut and/or a blockage of the inner organs.

I was told he was eating grass and drinking water like all the other horses yesterday, and looked to be adjusting well after his spell. In fact, there were 3 horses in total who had the condition that day and the other 2 responded equally as positively. They were totally fine today and unless I was told, would never have guessed they were sick the day before.

Ritchie, on the other hand, was deteriorating at a rapid pace. He kept wanting to lie down - a dangerous sign of colic and something you should always avoid to make the situation worse - then he started trembling, breaking out in a cold sweat... then his eyes started to glaze over, his gums losing colour as the blood went to other parts of the body in a rescue mission.

My boss told me to take him to the water, as that usually made him wanna poop, but even that wasn't enuf to get it out of him. And I know he was trying, but it was just stuck inside him. He needed to get it out and I tried, I tried so hard. I was swimming next to him as he walked/swam through the water, me pushing myself to push him. But it didn't work.

He was such a good boy. Tried so hard to make himself more comfortable. The boss and his wife both put their hands inside him to try and extract the bad stuf themselves, to no avail. He was getting worse and I couldn't do anything. The light in his eyes was dimming and I could see it. The boss wife started crying and it was all I could do not to show her my eyes were welling up too.

We moved him to the arena and let him roll around, trying to ease the suffering. The pain must have been unbearable for him. The vet eventually arrived, complaining that he had lots to do and was sick himself (just fucking fix the horse, you French cunt), and put the horse on a drip to hydrate him.

About this time, I left the others to it, thinking I was just another person in the way. I had a private ride to take out as well, having had my last ride given away when I was in the midst of emergency aid. Didn't care much about that. When I left, Ritchie was walking around by himself and seemed to be getting a little better. But his stomach was still stretched to capacity through bloating, and he was all dirty from rolling around the ground all day. I didn't know what to think.

I diverted my thoughts for 1.5 hours and managed to enjoy my ride with the American couple, the woman of which was an experienced eventer with a partner not so experienced but we let him tag along at the back anyway. They expressed their enjoyment thoroughly at the end, putting a tip in my hand that I only looked at a couple of hours later to discover was $60. Not bad for one ride!

Thankfully, it was only after I said thanks and goodbye that I learnt Ritchie had been put down. In the space of my 1.5 hour ride, a lot can happen - it seems. His condition got so bad it became obvious that keeping him alive was just cruel, and the vet had returned to end it all. I'm glad I wasn't there for that bit. But I knew something had happened as soon as I saw my rasta guide friend's eyes. He was the last one to ride the horse the day before so of course blamed himself. Poor sod.

The only positive to come out of the day - my private ride tipped me $60 which I didn't realise until after they left, and totally didn't expect. So that was brilliant, since it was the only ride I did and after every conversation I have with my boy, it's clear we're gonna need every cent we get to make a good start in Melbourne.

Strike a pose!

Like most other Sundays, it was pretty quiet on the ranch. Only one ride was booked, and I was to take it. So at least I had the chance of making SOME tip!! The ride was a mother and her son on a private ride, so we could go as slow or as fast they wanted. I opted to take a more reliable mount than Chico, Max, as the little boy had never been on a trail before. He was only 7.

Out on the trail, he was game enuf to try riding without a lead rope but then when I asked about trotting, the mum was dead keen but he wasn't so much. So, for the extra they paid for a full private ride to do whatever, we just ended up walking! Which is fine by me, it's their choice. Still went in the water at the end - in their classic young person manner, he was all about the water, interrupting me talking about nearby islands to ask, "When are we going in the water? Can we go to the water now?" About half an hour into the 1.5 hour ride he was asking this. I knew the mum wanted to keep riding, so I managed to stretch it out pretty much to time.

That was my only ride, but thankfully they tiipped me. A good tip. Amazing how all those rides I did the other day just amounted to $8, when some people don't hesitate to give $20 for two people on a ride. It helps when you look after their kids, though, that's always a winner. Not that I wouldn't anyway... but it helps.

Then I was given the job of rounding up the horses and cows. Those bloody cows. I tell you what, I have half a mind to bring a shotgun in on Christmas Day and have a nice big BBQ of beef. That big, black cow, she'd do nicely. The fucker, hides deep in the bushes and even when you DO find her, she runs away deeper, usually taking the calves with her. Oh help me, Lord, if I had a shotgun...

I had another "ride" I guess you would call it... a model and a photographer, wanting some photos of some clothes she was wearing on a pretty horse. I caught Paloma, our albino horse with blue eyes and white hair. She was filthy, given the recent weather, so I bathed her but she still looked a bit dirty. Anyway, it seemed good enuf for the guys so I led them out to the point for some photos before going in the water a bit. Was a pretty funny experience. The photographer didn't seem all that professional and thought he could do it all in 30 mins, so they must have been on a budget! Advertising St Maarten as a tourist destination... maybe it was government funded.

So the boss is back. All nice n relaxed after his holiday and actually finding it difficult to see faults in the way the farm is since his departure. This is a good thing. I'm just glad I kept his dogs alive for his return, or for sure there would be no job waiting for me the next morning. And hooray, no more feeding!! Bless those dogs, but responsibility, bah!

L rang me after I finished work, asking if I wanted to chill out. I had no plans so he came by to pick me up. We went to his place and just hung, didn't really do much at all... but I started to think this should not become a habit. Like I say, not that I would do anything, but I don't want him to get in the habit of asking me around. It would be SO good if there was no feelings on his side, or if he was a girl with no ill intent, or something else... he lives so close and I would love to have a good friend here that my boyfriend doesn't want to kill.

The ghetto he lives in was ON FIRE on that Sunday night! There was Spanish music, dancing, lively voices, kids play-fighting in the street... I felt like I was transported to another place. L said it was the only place like it on the island... All I could think of was, I wonder where A and I could go that we could live this life, with so much culture, life, love, breath... surely we could find an island somewhere. Oh, to soak all that up!! Made my skin tingle.

Borrowed a book about Bob Marley from L, to replace the somewhat inappropriate Great Sex Weekend I've been looking at but not really opening. Little does L know, he's now given me another reason to say no to hanging with him and staying in by myself.

Keep 'em private!

Woke up to insane itching on my ankle... what happened to my secluded mosquito net of heaven? Seems some demons have infiltrated it once again. I look for you but never find you, you cheeky monkeys.

Started the day with a private ride, 2 advanced riders who didn't particularly want to gallop everywhere, just didn't want a nose-to-tail slow ride. Fine with me! I really do enjoy taking out advanced riders, they are so much more relaxed and don't need so much looking over. Just want to enjoy some time on horseback and some nice runs up the hill.

Bookending my day of 4 rides was another lovely couple from Ireland (really, when do I not meet nice people from Ireland?!) on a two-hour ride that turned out to be the two-hour ride that cancelled on Sunday. I thanked them profusely for cancelling, did not want to ride in that rain!! They had a beer at the end of it all (6pm, so not much else was happening) and thankfully they were around still when I'd finished with the horses so I could say goodbye to them. And bless her, the woman was kinda nervous pulling the money out her pocket as she said bye and hurriedly tipped me.

Had a couple of cruise ship rides, tipping nominal amounts (did I mention how much more I like private rides??) and not really being any more interesting than the ones I'd done before. I'm amazed at how many people come here and have never been on a horse, even the beginner woman I had today that left her husband behind to do this activity which must be so daunting for the first time. Well, her husband was 260 pounds, 30 over our limit, so she really had no choice in the matter!

Speaking of weighty folk, I swear I took some over-weighters on one of my rides. 4 black Americans, all pretty hefty in size, I had trouble thinking which horses to take them. I felt sorry for every hardworking beast. Unsaddled all of them I possibly could afterwards, poor things. This woman got off to take her pants off for the water, and it took all the strength in the world to get her back on. Her thigh was the size of my waist, I swear. Next time I think I'm fat, someone please remind me of this story.

Still working out how much I earn, spend and save here. Trying to log it all this month, see indeed how expensive this island is, and it is proving quite interesting. The grocery store is much more expensive than I first thought, and buying just for me isn't as cheap as I thought. Of course the beer doesn't help - those nights I crave it and get a 6-pack. Of course, it's much cheaper than going out every night clubbing and drinking, but it's my only release over here so I let myself off.

I'm fast turning this experience into a time-wasting exercise where I wait for my boy to sort his life out and then return to him. I no longer see any point dilly-dallying around having this experience when my baby is waiting for me, and we're both crying without the other on the opposite end of the earth. We need to be together, we should be together and dammit if I'm not gonna see us together again!!

I logged onto FB today to get a really sweet message from him, possibly the most amazing one I've ever had, where he told me how much I meant to him and how awesome I was... all things I fully echo back to him, of course. But usually I'm the more vocal one. Not this time. And blessed be. Bring it on. I can't believe how much he has changed me, even people that know me well can't even recognise me sometimes! But this is love, true and true. And I am so glad to finally know it.

I also used my brief lunch break to write the heartbreaking email to the lady that keeps my horse, offering her for sale if she is interested. I would much prefer she go somewhere I know and trust than elsewhere, so I offered a lesser price than I would sell her for and hope that she bites. Not expecting an instant reply so I guess it's just a waiting game until I hear back...