How to convert an LA cynic

For those who have been to Los Angeles many times and can only claim disappointment and disillusion as the outcome, this article is for you.

Visiting a city at the centre of America's quest for notoriety, excess and materialism, it is so easy to be blinded by the lights and thinly veiled veneer of ever-so-close fame and fortune. People spend their lives chasing that dream only ever to sit on the edge of success, a waiter/actress/producer 'til the end of their days (but mainly a waiter). I myself usually clambered out of LA with desperate hopes of rekindling my faith in life in a more human environment - a hopeless quest when the next stop is Las Vegas (but that's a story for another time).

And so this July I tried once again to find the spark in LA. Many people have vouched for this city and of course, TV and movies have always been slightly influential in my view that there may be life on Mars, so to speak. The advantage I had this time was travelling with two friends who had not yet been to LA, so they were totally unbiased and ready to experience it all. I tried my best to shake of my pre-conceived notions and join in their naive journey of Hollywood and beyond.

And it worked.

In less than one week, LA put on a show for me that proved not only had I been overlooking some of the city's coolest tourist attractions but a bite of glitz and glamour does taste pretty good to the regular gal about town. If you've got a few days to kill in LA, here are some of the things that may help restore your faith in this fickle little corner of mankind:

Get your tourist on: La Brea Tar Pits
Actual pits of tar smack bang in the centre of LA which continue to spit out fossilised animals, insects and plants to this day. Excavation is constantly underway and can be viewed at the outdoor sites around the park or inside the museum laboratory. The completely reconstructed skeleton of a woolly mammoth found on site is particularly impressive.

Evening entertainment with a twist: Moonlight Cinema at the Hollywood Forever cemetery 
During summer, Hollywood Forever - LA's final resting place for many of the world's biggest names - hosts a nightly movie screening. We went on a Saturday night and saw the Muppet Movie, which was introduced by Gonzo himself. It was kinda weird having a smoking area amongst the tombstones and having them underfoot while waiting for the portaloos but you gotta go when you gotta go.

The best seat in the house: Griffith Observatory
If you're keen to escape the big city and really get a handle on how sprawling LA is, head to the Griffith Observatory. You can hike up or down if you're feeling active, and if you're luckier than me and go there when there are not major fires down the road smoking up the skies, the observatory is available to get an even better view of things. The Hollywood sign is visible from up there too.

So "LA: Roller-skating down Venice Beach

Granted, my friends and I are keen roller derby skaters so this was a no-brainer but even for those who haven't packed their own wheels, I would thoroughly recommend hiring a pair and rolling down Venice Beach Boardwalk. The people-watching is some of the best in town and there's some awesome circus performers and artists that reside there, not to mention the beefy boys at Muscle Beach outdoor gym. Every Sunday the original rhythm roller skaters (some from the '70s) gather near the skate park to jam to funk and hip-hop music - it's a really cool thing to witness and if you're game, they'll teach you some moves too!

Those summer nights: Free concerts at Santa Monica Pier
Every Thursday during the summer months, Santa Monica Pier hosts free outdoor concerts complete with stalls giving away promotional gifts and a bar. You can also choose to enjoy the music from the beach if you want to BYO alcohol, despite the signs advising otherwise. The pier is located further down the same Venice Beach Boardwalk so it's easy to do it all in the same day.

The 'wow' factor: No Vacancy nightclub
Often in LA it's about who you know, and finding out about this club was no exception. After striking up a random friendship with a man at the moonlight cinema, we found ourselves on the way to a club called No Vacancy. Skipping the lines because we "knew" the burlesque dancer, we were straight in to the amazing house we later found out was formerly Charlie Chaplin's. Without wanting to ruin the surprise if you ever get there, the way you enter the club area is super cool and something I've never seen before. It is a tad pretentious but you can suck it up for one night to add the experience to your "must do's" in LA.

Japan's finest spew pancake

Just one full day left in Japan, I couldn't believe it! I woke reasonably early to get the train back from Osaka to Tokyo and try to squeeze in the few activities I didn't get to earlier in my trip. I actually made a to do list on the train, and surveyed the map to see how logistically possible it was, considering how utterly useless I've been so far navigating city metro systems. Turns out I know myself all too well and it was just a portion I managed to do for the remainder of that day.

I had hoped to do the big markets (attached to the fish markets I believe), koenji, Tokyo tower, shinjuku gardens, akihabara and maybe roppongi. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. It took forever to find my hotel which meant the gardens would've closed by the time I got there (for a second time, that would've stung) and I couldn't get through to my Aussie friend who was in town so I didn't want to stray too far. It took me an age to get to koenji but it was a cool place, a bunch of vintage shops that were largely overpriced but good to window shop through. I picked up a cute little vintage handbag but couldn't fathom paying some of the other prices they were asking. 

By this stage I got through to my friend and made a loose plan - amongst dodgy wifi reception - to meet at an area just south of where I was staying (this time more SE than west) and I spent another age getting myself there. It was a shame I didn't have more time in koenji or some friends to enjoy it with because I did catch glimpses of cool little bars and interesting things in the back streets. But, the clock ticked. Next time! Oh, how that next time list grows... Finally got to this other area, full of restaurants specialising in konjayaki, a pancake style dinner similar to okonomiyaki that my friends had heard was awesome. I'd never heard of it but was happy to try, I'd already accepted I was bulking in Japan. My friends had finaly made it there to meet me so we all ate the "Japanese pancake" together. Looked like spew, tasted like gold :)

We parted ways so they could catch one of the last trains home (about 11pm, so early for a place like Japan!) and I gave up on the pubic transport system altogether, catching a cab back to the hotel instead. My final night in Japan - imma treat ma'self!

Osaka: bitchfizz, babes and... Owls!

Having researched things to do in Osaka, I felt somewhat prepared to take on this city. So far, it had exceeded my somewhat low expectations with its quirky nightlife and more relaxed feel than tokyo. It felt like melbourne to Sydney, home to a slightly offbeat atmosphere that had pockets of cool stuff without the overbearing bright lights of tokyo. Not to say tokyo isn't brilliant, it is, but osaka definitely has its own thing going on. Still can't navigate the train system to save myself though. Left at about 10am to find osaka castle and by midday, had basically done circles and gave up to meet the girls at the owl cafe we'd spotted late last night on our bar crawl. They said the castle was fairly average anyway, which made me feel a little better about my incompetency. They have women and men only carriages here which I assume is to solve those weird harassment issues that sometimes happen in crowded Japanese trains? Also, they play fake bird noises and play Old Mcadonald Had a Farm as the station alert noises here. Hehe!

The owl cafe.... I loved it! We paid for an hour to sit in there and take selfies with the beautiful creatures. Yes, they had a rope attached to their feet so they couldn't fly away but the room was tiny and I don't think letting almost 20 owls loose in there would've been smart. They were also for sale so I don't think they stay in that environment for very long, many of them were young so I assume they are sold fairly quickly. If I understood right, the Owls sell for a couple thousand each. No kidding, after one hour with them, I would totally buy one. They are amazing animals, full of personality and so freakin cute!

Afterwards, we went to lunch - the girls wanted okinomyaki but I felt a bit weird after the last time I ate that so I opted for a yakisoba which was noodle, pork and veggies wrapped in egg. Probably not that different to okinomyaki but something I hadn't had before. I was ravenous by that stage because I'd planned to eat at the castle that never was, and then the owl cafe that didn't serve food. I could've eaten rectum. It had gotten chilly overnight and now a fresh wind swept through the streets, but I had no time for extra clothing as I wanted to check out Shinsekai before getting to the sky tower for sunset. 

The girls came along to see sensekai and the tower. I had heard about sensekai because some blogger had said it was the quirkiest place to visit in Osaka. I don't know about that, but we did happen upon what we assume was a brothel down a side street. There were uncensored porn pics on the billboards outside the venue and men going in but strangely only Trans people coming out and moving up and down the stairs. There was a vending machine out the front that people seemed to use before going inside, it was all very strange and we couldn't quite work it all out. Maybe they selected the service they wanted and paid with the machine for efficiency and privacy? 

Next stop was tower, an impressive building shaped like a rainbow, a building with the middle missing basically, and a diagonal elevator taking you to the top observation level. For C, afraid of heights, it was pretty scary, even for me it was a fairly exposed elevator ride. The view from up top was amazing - osaka is crazy big! And it's not even tokyo! We scored a table right by the window facing the sunset and cracked open some bubbles (or "bitchfizz" as the Perth girls called it). Cheers-ed to a good day! After the sun went down, we walked around the rooftop deck to check out the city's night lights. It was FREEZING up there so it was at a brisk pace and back down to warmth. 

We explored more of dotonbori for dinner and drinks, meandering into Namba as well. Gotta love those back streets! Served by an adorable 22 year old waiter at our dinner place, the girls were trying to set me up with him before I had to break the news that I would've broken him in half - spiritually, mentally and physically. Let the poor boy live. We joked around and left jovially to find a formal dress shop that I thought I could find my next cabaret show outfit in. I went to the sale rack and finally found a few that fit, alas they weren't on sale and I just couldn't justify spending the full price when I could get something similar in Australia. And carry it around all night! We found one more bar, possibly the best we'd found in Japan so far - an underground Rolling Stones themed rock bar with the coolest Japanese man I've ever met. Long, grey hair and furry leopard vest... The best. We said our goodbyes and I walked back to the hotel, encountering a couple of harajuku style girls that I had to snap a photo of!

The mountains of Japan

I awoke on my futon style floor bed, surrounded by straw tatami matting and my glasses of green tea scattered around, and remembered where I was. I was to leave kinosaki today for osaka but was in no rush. I went down for another wonderful breakfast, including sashimi, crab miso soup and steamed fish, and used the last of my time at the ryokan to utilise the private onsen and check out the town outside of the hot baths. I was pretty much the only one in the onsen so it was a nice way to wake up and focus my energy on the day ahead. Why can't we all have these things in our houses back home?

After a good scrub in the onsen, I was energised for my walk to the ropeway (cable car) and after a quick trip up, I wandered around the top checking out the mountainous view from all angles then meandered back down to the town. At the bottom, I saw a sign for hikers saying "because we saw bears yesterday, please do not walk on mountain path". I'm happy I saw that one after I'd walked the path down, but I still got nervous when I heard a twig snap for the rest of the way!

Back in town, I ran into the American uncle, father and daughter I'd befriended and run into a few times since the train to kinosaki. They shouted me lunch and I said goodbye to head to Osaka. The daughter hugged me tight goodbye and thanked me for being a girl she could talk to on the trip. Bless. Her dad was gay so I'm not sure she had a mum presence normally. First time I've met the daughter of a gay guy so I wonder if that's a common thing? I didn't ask... After all, I'm in Japan and that may have come across as disrespectful. 

I arrived in osaka before dinner time and made my way to the hotel. Only that it wasn't the hotel I had booked in for, and I was sent to the other hotel from the same chain in a different part of the city. Ho hum. Turns out the hotel I was booked in for was in an ideal location, just a few blocks from main bar area Dotonbori. I arranged to meet up with the girls I met on the Fuji tour, although one of them was sick so it was just C and I. The street was a bit mental, the restaurants adorned with giant crab, dragon and blowfish sculptures advertising their specialities, and neon lights flashing from every ledge. Off the Main Street, however, were alley ways dotted with little restaurants and bars. Again with the cover charge for so many of them - seriously how do these bars think they'll make money by doing that? We just walked straight out again. We did get caught in one old school karaoke bar though, didn't see the cover charge notice and ended up spending about $40 each after 2 drinks and one song (Hey Jude, the only English song I knew in their weird song list). Until then we had been enjoying the naff interior and Japanese customers singing love songs and waving their hands in the air with me as I sang "na na na hey Jude". It stung a bit, I tell ya!

I tried yakonaki (fried octopus balls) and made sure I got the menus in English when I ate, to avoid a cheeky dish of cow rectum or something. But C said she accidentally ate it and it was quite tasty. What you don't know hey... After several drinks, including a roadie we bought at the supermarket between bars (because we could, the bars were about 10m apart), we said goodnight.

Kinosaki.... The Kult of the Kimono

Welcome to Kinosakionsen, home of the onsen! For those that have not heard of onsens, they are the natural hot springs dotted all over Japan and feature frequently in the higher end hotels as well as publicly. Kinosaki is THE place to go if you're a keen onsen-er and after spending a magical 24 hours there, I can tell you it's the best kept secret from the Aussie cavalcade. I heard just one fellow Aussie couple and inside the onsens was pretty much the only western among them Japanese bathers. I found the place through a Google search on onsens but had no idea what awaiting me.

It's a well-oiled bathing machine, this tiny town. You check in at 3pm (not a minute earlier), put on your complimentary kimono outfit, take your complimentary onsen pass and shuffle down the canal streets in your wooden sandals to experience searing hot to cold pools, hot and cold steam rooms, outdoor baths and communal showering stations. Everyone excitedly gets their onsen map stamped at each onsen to get a "present" after visiting 5 or more - I got chopsticks - as part of the "Stamp Rally". It's amazing, come 3pm and the entire place transforms into a kimono cult and all you can hear are the echoes of wooden footwear on the bitumen. As wonderful as it was to see, I knew as I was dressed by a female hotel worker that the kimono would be hard to keep up appearances in from onsen to onsen. One time I knew I'd only be walking a few metres to the next bath so I haphazardly threw my kimono on. The LOOK on the onsen worker's face when I walked out - I'd clearly had a kimono blowout and she hurriedly took me to the side to fix me up. Bless. 

Inside the onsens, it's men and women separate, and as of very recently, completely fine for people such as me to enter with exposed tattoos. I bought tape just in case but was told I didn't need to put it on. I think it used to be a sign of gang activity. Regardless, I still felt fairly out of place with my "look"... I'm thankful the Japanese are a respectful bunch but I could still feel their eyes on my body modifications. I pushed my septum ring into my nose at one point to soften the blow (no pun intended). They were well kept and clean, and anyone who knows my hair phobia knows that's a big thing - I was forever searching for black strands everywhere but there were thankfully few. In total, I went to 6 onsens between the dinner provided by the hotel which was another kaiseki degustation including crab sashimi and steam boiled egg. 

The baths stay open until 11pm so it's not much of a party town. In fact, because most people seem to stay at full board ryokans (traditional style Japanese hotels) and spend their evenings going to the onsens, I'm not sure how the bars and restaurants make money in that town. Maybe that's why the shops were so expensive, an infrequent buyer tax! With its quaint charm and boutique shopping, it reminded me of little towns in France or even the blue mountains. The side canal was lined with cherry blossoms which were lit up by pink lanterns at night and mountains provided a mystical backdrop against a river front that opened out to the ocean down the road. The train ride from kyoto was also full of this side of scenery. A new side of Japan I'd been hoping to experience and am so happy I did! 

Besides the amazingness of the area, I just can't stress how untouched it is by western tourism. There are limited places that speak or have English translations, not even my hotel sign was in English and I had to go in and give my voucher to the front desk to check I was in the right place. Directions to attractions are also in Japanese so you just delightfully wander around in hope of happening upon what you want, thankfully it's a small town so you can't go too wrong. Not even hotel staff could speak much English, which is just such a cool experience you don't find very often. 

By 11pm, the onsens were closed and I was a walking pile of hazy mush. I don't think I've ever had that many showers in one night. My hotel room welcomed me with the floor bed made while I was out (this hotel was brilliant, so organised and discreet) and I nestled in to sleep my first and only night in a ryokan. For those not familiar, a ryokan room is just one big space with tatami matting and low chair/tables, and for sleeping a mattress and bedding is pulled out from the cupboard and set up in the middle of the room. I streamed a game of derby and fell asleep amongst a dream cloud of star passes and bridging. Side note on clouds: on English translated maps, Japanese refer to a crowded place as a "People Cloud". Kawa'ii!

Year (or day?) of the monkey

So much to say about today! There are such cool things to see in kyoto, especially around this time of year. I'm so glad I organised a bike tour for the first of the day, because not only was the guide the cutest woman ever and made me smile on the inside, but I wouldn't have found half the things she zipped through in those few hours or known anything about what I was looking at. She took us through some of the gion (geisha) areas, as kyoto is the birthplace of gion, and I learnt about the gion culture. The little alley ways their houses are in are super cute and well maintained, exuding such style and grace without even seeing the geishas themselves. I kept thinking I was seeing geishas walking around, alas it was just people who had rented kimonos, a common thing to do for everyone from western tourists to wedding couples and young girls having a day out. These ones were probably only about $100 to rent a day, I learnt, but the proper wedding ones (you wear 2 for wedding and reception) are about USD5000 to rent for the day! 

It was simply beautiful riding along the canals under gently falling cherry blossom leaves, Japan's springtime snow! My guide "Kitty" hummed Japanese tunes as she rode along, taking us also to some of the major shrines, temples and parks to take in the culture of Japan's onetime capital city. But one thing's for sure, kyoto does not like rubbish. In fact, if you have rubbish you take that shit away with you. Not one bin in sight! But if you do happen upon a bin, you then have to navigate the 7 different types of recycling they sort it into. If you happen to put this rubbish out on the wrong day for pickup, you get an angry note stuck on the outside. Tuesday is bottles and cans, fool!

The couples I mentioned before flock to this city at this time of year to create their wedding albums, and as a tourist it's almost as good a spectacle to see all the different cultures get jazzed up for the occasion. There are also ravens everywhere. Which kinda weirds me out, but then I have to remind myself I'm no longer in the Suicide Forest and they are ravens, not vultures. I ate green tea icecream. It was yummy. 

When the tour finished, Kitty asked for my autograph, convinced when I said I was a singer that I was famous. Said she was "honoured" to meet me. Bless. I then had half a day to myself in Kyoto and headed to the monkey forest, because I had so much fun in the one in Ubud, Bali. I jumped on the JR line to Arishayama and walked through beautiful World Heritage gardens and temples, then trekked high into the hills to see these monkeys. They were the snow monkey kind but not the touchy feely kind. They didn't jump on you like the ones in Bali, in fact if they went towards you it'd probably be a good idea to move along. But I got some good pictures and clucked over the babies sufficiently to have my fill for the year of the monkey. 

But my day was not over yet. I still had dinner to attend to! I walked the streets near the main station, unsure of where to eat and hoping to happen upon some special place. When I'd finally decided on one, I was told the table would be ready in 1.5 hours but my stomach waits for no restaurant (except kagaya), so I kept wandering. I saw a place with an open door shielded with hanging Japanese banners and a bunch of flowers outside. At first I thought it was a florist, but it turned out to be a tiny restaurant that seated half a dozen people. I walked in, it was empty and the chef spoke little English. All I could understand on the menu was the price, which seemed a little high. Turns out it was kaiseki, the Japanese version of a degustation menu, and the flowers were congratulating the owner on opening just 12 days earlier. I thought YOLO and sat down. It was amazing. Here is what I was served (excuse the massacre of language)...

Yomogi - mint, boiled squid, tomato, miso

Oan? - bamboo shoot soup

Sashimi - eel tail, sea bream, prawn, duck, kimpira?, trout, egg, pumpkin, spinach, cream miso

Miso soup, mackerel, rice, Saba sushi

Hotoki - Japanese tea

Then I tucked into some Japanese wine (first time I tried it, amazing!) and sake. By this stage 3 more people had showed up, but they were the owner/chef's mother, brother and sister in law. It was his mum's birthday so I shouted her some sake, she shouted me some, we had a language barrier laugh and took some happy snaps. It was honestly the most genuine, lovely moment to be a part of. Eventually I stumbled out to the train, got some takeaways for my hosts back in the countryside, drank one on the train and luckily scored a lift back from the hosts who had just been at the station collecting some Singaporean guests. We had a laugh together back at the guest house, they got me to sing for them, we swapped stories... Etc etc. A lovely bunch of people!

Going countryside

The rain started up again today, which kinda thwarted my cherry blossom mission in Shinjuku park, so instead I checked out and headed straight to Kyoto. The train ride there, about 3 hours, saw the landscape change from dense city to outer suburb housing and into flat agricultural land at the foothills of misty mountains. On board, I helped to drink them out of wine (not that many, to be honest, but they should cater better for Aussies on these journeys) and noticed that the adorable train guard would bow entering and turn to bow leaving the carriage each time. Kawa’ii!

Once I got out to the more remote village about half an hour from Kyoto, I was to meet my hosts from my first ever AirBnB place at the station so it was a bit exciting. I'd done similar things with Couchsurfing and Help Exchange before, so the unfamiliar feeling was not strange, but I was curious to see what all the fuss was about with this new accommodation concept. F met me at the station as promised and drove me to their house, a cute property with a traditional looking guesthouse complete with low (heated) tables, tatami (straw matting as carpet) and sliding paper doors. 

It had been a long day for me in many ways and I was tired. I entertained the thought of going biking to get dinner but was relieved when my hosts kindly offered to feed me. It was raining pretty consistently and I just didn't like the thought of being lost again on the way home. I grabbed some snacks from the supermarket (soooo much choccie for my friends back home, just you wait guys!) with my hosts and then settled in for an early night. I had much biking to do then!